Why I say that I'm an "Unprepared Writer."

Ok, so I guess I should explain why I say that I am an unprepared writer, even though if you had looked at my Wattpad page, you would see that I have thirty completed books and the thirty-eight incomplete books that I had removed from Watt.

So, here is a list to explain the reason why.

Anxiety

So one of the main reasons why I feel unprepared is because I do have anxiety. I am the overthinker, the person that asks "what ifs." For writing, my biggest question is, "what if." What if this isn't good? What if people are lying that they like my stuff to make me feel better? What if I am not as good as people think I am?

All of these questions race through my head, and it sucks. It holds me back, and I'm trying to get past it, but some days it feels like the questions win.

Thankfully, I do have years ahead of me, so one of these days, I don't think I will feel stuck anymore. However, today and maybe tomorrow, will not be those days.

If I ever do feel as if I had gotten past that hump, then I will let ya'll know.

I feel like my work is crap, even though I have been told it isn't.

I know that there are people who will be annoyed with me with this, but to be honest, I don't care. I really do think that my stuff is crap. I don't know why people are reading it or want to read it. All I know is that people are reading it, and it makes me feel like Ron when spiders come after him. (If you don't know what I mean by that, you need to look up that gif.)

I feel as if I have a lot to learn and take in, but I don't have enough time. I have so much I want to do each day, that I don't have the energy to do everything. I am trying to take it one day at a time, but sometimes my plans are bigger than what I can.

I don't plan anything that happens in my work.

I seriously don't. I have some ideas that I want to do, but I mainly free write. I want my writing to be fluid, thought driven. I want to be as surprised as my readers when something unexpected happens.

For example, the intense moment between Xavier and Cassandra in my book Xavier. I did not plan for Xavier to be that bold, that daring, but for some reason, he was, so I kept it. I don't think I had planned Julian interrupting them, but he did, which caused some of my readers to be upset.

I think that this might hurt me emotionally and mentally because I don't plan. I don't know what will happen in a story besides a few points here and there. And to be honest, I think I am scared. I want people to like my work, even though I don't feel good about some days. I want people to be drawn in with how I write and not see the connections hidden underneath.

I also didn't plan on being an evil writer, but let's face it, I am.

I am a perfectionist.

I know, this sounds surprising, but I am a perfectionist. I want my work to compel and bring people different emotions. I want the best for my writing, even though I don't plan anything. I know that there are mistakes in the stories that I post, and when I read through them, I change them, even though ya'll can't see it.

I want to be a writer, to make a living off of these stories that go on in my head, but what if they're not perfect? I don't want someone's image of me to change because my writing or style is not what they expect. It's why I am nervous to show my face, to have my real name out there associated with my work.

I know that I am not perfect. I am one of the most complicated people that ya'll will ever meet, but I don't want ya'll to know that. I want ya'll to assume or think that I have my head on straight and perfect when that isn't true. I don't know why I want ya'll to think that, but I do.

My writing isn't at the level that I want it to be, but I will try and get it there. I will try until my last breath to ensure that my work is perfect, even though being perfect is boring.

It's probably just my opinion anyway.

As stated in another section, I have been told that I am a good writer and that my books are good. I have been told that I should publish them or that some people have thought I was already a published writer but want my works to be free for the time being. However, that is not the case, and I am over here working to live and not writing to live.

Can my opinion change? Probably, but I know that it won't happen soon. I will still feel as if I'm an unprepared writer, waiting to take on the world but shying back into a corner where I can't be seen and sometimes not even heard.

For now, I will wear the unprepared writer badge with pride and joke about it.

Maybe one day, I will consider myself prepared enough to face the world as a writer, as a novelist with ideas and ambitions that are bigger than my head, but today is a day that I just write and dream.